Trench Talk Tuesday #5
On scorpions and frogs, expectations, and college football
(photo credit: Randy J. Williams/Getty Images)
If you’re even somewhat attuned to the world of college football, the past weekend has been one of the nuttiest on record, and we’re barely a month removed from Brian Kelly getting fired from LSU. Incidentally, this one also involves LSU.
Lane Kiffin is the new head coach of LSU, ending a month-long saga after the school first fired Brian Kelly (the state governor got involved), then tried to fire him ‘for cause’ so they didn’t have to pay out a $54 million buyout, and finally meekly ended up changing it to a firing ‘without cause’ (thus owing him the entire buyout). It took about a month after everyone on the internet wondered “who the hell would want to come to LSU after that mess?” for someone, in fact, to want to come to that mess.
It could only have been Lane Kiffin.
Lane Kiffin is one of the most famous coaches in American football for the last quarter century. He was a whiz kid as a college coach, at one point being the recruiting coordinator/WR coach/offensive coordinator for USC in the mid 2000s when USC was the biggest star in college football. He was good at his job, good at recruiting, and given his youth it made sense he would go on to bigger things. On January 23, 2007, a 31-year-old Kiffin was hired by Al Davis to be the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. He was the youngest NFL head coach in league history.
Less than two years later, Davis fired his ass over the telephone.
The subsequent press conference Al Davis gave was legendary. Davis’ “Just win, baby!” attitude was viewed with some degree of scorn around the league, and yet apparently Kiffin was too much for Davis. Really, it’s an incredible read. In almost an hour, Davis called Kiffin a ‘professional liar’ and a ‘flat-out liar,’ in case it was not clear. The message was clear: When ‘Just Win, Baby” Al Davis hates how you do business, who the heck are you?
Lane Kiffin, apparently.
Kiffin didn’t stay unemployed long. He was announced as the head coach of the University of Tennessee later that year. Kiffin was only head coach of the Volunteers for a single season, and yet that section of his wikipedia page is far too long for so short a stint.
Where to begin? Before the season started, Kiffin spoke at a Tennessee booster breakfast and claimed that then-Florida coach Urban Meyer had attempted recruiting violations (Kiffin was wrong, and because he mentioned the recruit’s name he actually got in trouble and had to apologize to everyone, Meyer included). Kiffin’s sales pitch to sway star recruit Alshon Jeffrey from attending the University of South Carolina was that if he went there, he’d end up spending the rest of his life pumping gas just like every other South Carolina graduate. When the story broke, Kiffin denied it, but Jeffrey’s father confirmed the story because Kiffin was apparently on speakerphone. And finally, Kiffin ditched Tennessee after one season for a better job at USC in a manner so off-putting that the Tennessee athletic director was “disappointed” and Tennessee students rioted on campus.
His tenure at USC was somehow even more controversial. Kiffin arrived at USC as the NCAA swung its patented “you did bad recruiting things and stuff” hammer at USC, kneecapping the school’s scholarship numbers and denying the team bowl opportunities. They went 8-5 his first year, and then 10-2 his second season. Not bad, but then things went off the rails.
The 2012 season started with USC as the preseason #1 in the country. When asked about it, Kiffin told reporters “I would not vote USC #1, I would tell you that much.” It later came out that Kiffin had, in fact, voted USC #1. He later claimed that he was speaking from the perspective of an opposing coach. USC would finish the year 7-6, the first team since 1964’s Ole Miss (hmmm, interesting) to start the year #1 and then finish the season unranked.
2013 is a year of infamy. Kiffin only made it five games (going 3-2) before getting fired. And he wasn’t just fired: he was fired at the airport, not even allowed to fly back home with the team.
For just about anyone, that should have been the end of it. And, frankly, in the eyes of plenty of sports-obsessed college kids like me at the time, that was the end of Lane Kiffin. He was goofy, and he was gone.
But the thing about Goofy? The fella is remarkably resilient.
Kiffin spent 2014-2017 rehabbing his image, quietly serving as the offensive coordinator for Alabama under Nick Saban. I’m of the mindset that anyone with a pulse could find success under Saban during those Alabama years, but whatever. He then got a head coaching job…coaching Florida Atlantic University. From Power-4 to G-5. Oh, how the mighty fall.
Interestingly, Kiffin accepted the job at FAU and then hoped to stay on as the offensive coordinator for Alabama during the postseason. Saban, who is the G.O.A.T. for a reason, probably said “Actually, Lane, if you’re gonna accept a job at another school before a season is over then maybe you should commit to them, buddy!” and Kiffin was fired as offensive coordinator.
Look, everyone and their brother knew that Kiffin was at FAU to prove that he still had what it took to coach at a ‘real’ school (in the eyes of clout chasers like him, that is). And in three years at FAU, he went 26-13 with two 10-win seasons, two conference championships, and won the Boca Raton Bowl twice. So he clearly still could go.
And Ole Miss came a’callin’.
From 2020 to 2025, Lane Kiffin at Ole Miss was probably the best version of himself. Other coaches have tried and failed to make Ole Miss competitive in the SEC; in six seasons in Oxford, Mississippi, Kiffin posted four seasons with 10+ wins, three bowl wins, and Ole Miss was ranked in the top 15 three straight years (2022-2024). While at Ole Miss, he spent his time basically being a funny troll online…and fans kind of liked him. It seemed like he was embracing his status as a guy who had a history of being a goober, and now he was situated well.
Have you ever heard the tale of the scorpion and the frog, by any chance?
Lane Kiffin leaving Ole Miss from LSU has been blasted by just about everyone who has a platform to talk about college football. Others, like Ray Ratto of Defector are more blunt: LSU’s messiness and Lane Kiffin’s messiness are perfect for each other. And it seems like people are less upset with the fact that Kiffin left (LSU, in spite of the mess, is still considered one of the dream coaching jobs in the country), and more in the DICKISH way that he did it.
Because just like it’s in the nature of the scorpion in that fable to sting the frog and doom them both, it is in the nature of a mercenary coach to look at the modern college football landscape and go “Thanks for the memories, but I like me some money and influence!”
It takes a special level of mercenary for me to look at you, and then look at how Brian Kelly ditched Notre Dame, and think to myself “Y’know, Brian, you weren’t so bad.”
Ole Miss fans have a right to be pissed off. And the various folks harrumphing about how the current NCAA schedule and transfer portal make this sort of behavior ‘necessary’ also have a point.
But let’s not pretend that everyone is a slave to inertia. When you have the influence and power that high-level college football coaches do, you aren’t just a victim of circumstance. Your choices are actively shaping the system as it is.
And until we see some meaningful reform, Lane Kiffin isn’t an outrageous outlier.
He’s the embodiment of a 21st century coach.
…Say, where does LSU play Ole Miss next year?
Oh dear god, in OXFORD?
That’s appointment television.
Damn you, Kiffin.
WEEKLY FOOTBALL PICKS - NFL WEEK 13
(Yeah I’m aware the NFL season is halfway through. Next year I’ll be on the spot, promise. Winner picks are in bold.)
Thursday, December 4:
Dallas Cowboys at Detroit Lions
Sunday, December 7:
Seattle Seahawks at Atlanta Falcons
Cincinnati Bengals at Buffalo Bills
Tennessee Titans at Cleveland Browns
Washington Commanders at Minnesota Vikings
Miami Dolphins at New York Jets
New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars
Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens
Denver Broncos at Las Vegas Raiders
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers
Los Angeles Rams at Arizona Cardinals
Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs
Monday, December 8:
Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers
Last Week’s Record: 9-7; Season Record: 28-31
Weekly Recommendations
A book to read: On a whim a few years ago, I picked up Candice Millard’s “Destiny of the Republic,”a book about the assassination of US President James A. Garfield. I could not put that thing down, and I’m not the only one: that book is short, narratively pretty, and it’s been adapted into Netflix’s Death By Lightning, which is somehow an even more epic title.
A song to listen to: Technically an album, but it’s the holiday season, and few renditions of the classics are better than Al Green’s Christmas album.
A video to watch: A guy on the sidewalk doing a shuffle to John Newman’s “Love Me Again.” Great freaking song, and great freaking rhythm. May we all have the confidence to dance like no one is watching.
Have a good week, and as always:
Stay steady, y’all.
- Mike G.W.